DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
