My room smells like vodka and shame
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There's always time for handjobs
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I have fence marks all over my body
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
