Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
