he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
