Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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