Please, let me fuck your mom
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
