I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
