My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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