my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
