she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
