P.S. I can't hear my feet
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
