he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
