They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize