Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
