Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
one two three fourrrrnication!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
that is very illegal...i love you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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