My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
