so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
