she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
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