According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
