I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
