I could make wine with my vomit
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
