and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
