He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
