my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
