remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
