I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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