He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
