weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize