capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
