I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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