Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You smell like stripper and shame
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
