You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
