You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize