$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
