Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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