Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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