I just cut my nipple shaving
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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