im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
