dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
