then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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