the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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