You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
