I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
