Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
