i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
