It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize