I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
