I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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