U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
