Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
