Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
