i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
