I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
