Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
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