I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize