2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
