I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
