I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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