exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
