um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
