I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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