Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You're like the curious george of whores
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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